For the last several years I have been on a journey to “find myself” cliche I know, but very true. I knew that I wasn’t happy and I knew I had no idea where I even needed to start.
I am a big believer in change, if you don’t like something just change it. When you were talking about yourself, your core values, core beliefs, that is easier said then done. It takes some time, reading, studying learning, following, meditating to even find the things that you want to change about yourself.
Then you have to start the process of changing. There are some people that have an epiphany, then are suddenly able to change. But for most people that just doesn’t happen, you need to do keep focused on the end result and keep moving towards it.
I am naturally a very passionate women, I decided that I want something and I focus totally on that with an an enthusiasm that is infectious to those around me. I pride myself on finishing everything I start and doing MANY MANY things that are so far out of most peoples comfort zones, they cringe just listening to me talk about it.
But still there were times, times that I so confused, so scared I did the only thing that I thought I could… I ran away. After this happening, many times AND after years of personal introspection. Darn if I didn’t have a revolution!
One as passionate as I am, I have a hard time dealing with my personal feelings and emotions. The feelings are sooo powerful they literally stop me dead in my tracks. Without knowing how to handle these I do not allow myself to feel anything. And I pretended not to care about anyone or anything on such a personal level.
I could go into a long diatribe about my childhood, my bad marriage… yadda yadda, but it doesn’t really matter what has happened in the past. It only matters what I do now.
Recently I went through a time, I was trying hard to deal with some powerful emotions… chatting with my friend who often cuts through the matter of things as he just doesn’t get caught up in the drama.
he said to me “you do have feeling, you just try and hide them”
I am sure he has said it before, but that night I listened, my heart and soul listened.
Needless to say I spent the next few hours reading, meditating and journalling working through those feelings.
Feelings of jealous, turned to fear and fear turned to love as I opened my chakras, heart and soul to allow all feelings and emotions to flow through me.
I allowed myself to feel each emotion, I allowed myself to really learn what each level felt like, so that I could recognize the feeling if I felt it again. And then I let the emotions go and allowed the universe to wash over me with pure love.
I literally physically felt thousands of butterflies opening the passage from my root chakra to my heart chakra it was the most amazing feeling and when it was over, I was left with the most pleasurable content feeling.
In the days that have past since then I remain always in touch with that feeling and when I find myself thinking about how unpleasant feelings and emotions are… I reconnect with the pure love that is ready and waiting in my heart and soul.
I never want to forget that experience… I always want to feel “I am Love”